Heartburn Episode VIII: An Attack on SW Films (a love-hate relationship)

Ramses V., Staff Writer

Hello all, Ramses here, your friendly neighborhood film critic. Today I am going to review the long-awaited Star Wars “sequel” The Last Jedi. Ah, which sequel is this? I’ve lost count and position. For those of you who weren’t born before Star Wars, I’ll rehash this quickly. It’s a bit confusing, but Star Wars begins in the middle of a family history. So, I am going to do this in story order.

Episode 1: We are introduced to the Skywalker family via the 9-year-old Jedi prodigy, Anakin. In this movie, he destroys a Death Star-like space station and falls in love with an older woman, Queen Amidala-Padmé. Darth Maul, a Sith lord, kills Qui-Gon Jinn (Anakin’s benefactor), and they have a big droid battle against a bunch of rastafarian speaking Gungans . . . yaa reelleez maan.

Episode 2: Anakin’s Jedi Master, Obi Wan Kenobi, investigates a subversive plot against the republic, while Anakin puts the moves on his old lady. They all end up on a dry rocky dusty good for nothing planet called Arizona . . . I mean Geonosis. There, they have great battle between the Jedi and droids, and Anakin and Padme proclaim their love while C3PO’s head is dragged across the screen. Also, Anakin gets his butt kicked and hand chopped off by a senior citizen guy called Count Dracula, nope, Count Chocula, dang, . . . wait for it, Count Dooku. Then Yoda, a small green renegade Muppet, busts Olympic gold moves all over Dukie (scratch that) Dooku.

Episode 3: Guess what, it starts with Count Dooku holding the Republic Chancellor hostage. Anakin cuts his head off, rescues the chancellor and Kenobi, and crashes a giant space cruiser in the only open Walmart parking lot on the planet. Some politics and emotional stuff happens, but in the end, Anakin loses it. He defends the chancellor/emperor who is actually a Sith lord, uh . . . we saw that in Episode 1. Anakin kills the Jedi and Jedi children, while the clone troopers kill off all the Jedi. Yoda and Kenobi escape, barely. Padme goes to Anakin on a molten, lava spewing, smoke churning planet called New Jersey . . . I correct myself, Mustafar. There Anakin is so crazy with the dark side, he chokes Padme to near death. Kenobi whoops Anakin’s butt, literally cutting off all his limbs, and saves Padme and her babies. Anakin’s stumpy body catches on fire and is finally rescued by the Emperor. As Padme dies, Anakin becomes Darth Vader.

Almost there.

Episode 4: One of Anakin’s kids is Luke Skywalker living on another dry desolate planet next to Arizona, called Tatooine. There, Luke meets Kenobi and they go off on an Arthurian adventure . . . a young prince with a wise old wizard, who with a sword of light to save the princess (actually Princess Leia) by destroying another giant space dragon (station). Along the way, they meet up with a Robin Hood (Han Solo), loyal little John (Chewbacca), the Friar Tuck (C3PO), and the salty comic relief, R2-D2.

Episode 5: Here, Darth Vader is chasing down Luke and his friends from planet to asteroids to cloud city. Luke goes off on his own to complete his training from Yoda, while the ghost of Kenobi tries to guide and warn him. Darth Vader captures Luke’s friends and sets up a trap. Luke confronts Vader valiantly, only to be undermined by the truth of his Father.

Episode 6: Back to Tatooine where Luke rescues all his friends as a full Jedi. His friends rejoin their rebellion and plan another attack on another giant space station! (Is it me, or is this a recurring theme?) This time Robin Hood and his band of merry men sneak into Sherwood Forest, or in Star Wars: the forested Endor moon. There with the help of hundreds of teddy bears, they take down the evil mechanized empire forces. Meanwhile, Luke confronts his father. They battle up on the space station in front of the emperor. Luke refuses to turn evil and the emperor starts to kill him with electric shock. Then, Vader’s fatherly love emerges and he kills the emperor to save his son. But, it is too late. Vader dies, the space station is destroyed, and empire collapses. Yeah, end of story. Nope.

Episode 7: Years later, Luke is missing. Leia is struggling again to fight a new order of the Empire. And, a new generation of Jedi are emerging, Rey and Finn. The new Darth Vader is Kylo Ren, Han Solo and Leia’s son, gone bad. There is a new emperor called Supreme Leader Gollum, oops, Snoke. A lot of stuff happens, but again there is the stealing of secret plans for another super giant monumental gargantuan space station built out of a planet. Again, really? :/ In the end, Han Solo’s son, kills him, the evil weapon is destroyed, and the apprentice finds the next Jedi wizard-Luke.

Finally, Episode 8: The Last Jedi

Okay, Luke dies. End of story.




Just kidding. The new apprentice is Rey, and Luke refuses to get involved again. He has lost all faith and belief. She leaves to go confront Kylo and bring him back to good side. Together they kill the Supreme Pizza Snoke, and Kylo asks her to join him to take over the universe. Really, on the first date, that is what you ask her? Heh, heh, heh, I’ll give it a try 😉 Of course, she says no and rejoins her friends who are trapped on a planet covered with salt called Utah . . . my bad, Crait. Kylo is crazy with revenge and blasts the doors with no effect. So Kylo brings out the big guns, no really, not metaphorically. It’s a big gun like the space station on the ground . . . how original. Luke appears and draws Kylo’s attention away, as the new rebels escape out the back of the caves. (sneak sneak, no one really saw that coming?!) Rey comes to the rescue with the Millennium Falcon to save the survivors. Kylo faces off with Luke and just can’t kill him. Then Kylo realizes he has been duped. Luke was projecting his astral image from his home . . . fooled ya! The energy spent by Luke is too much and he fades away. The rebels get away, Kylo is made fool, and thus, ends the Last of the Mohicans . . . OMG . . . I mean The Last Jedi.